Choosing Happy

Lately I've been having flash backs to my childhood. I've thought a lot about the little girl that I was. How terribly shy I became, though I was a friendly and outgoing toddler. I've always loved people, but somewhere along the line I became very aware of people's opinions. I learned that words hurt, that not everyone is going to like me, that my body is imperfect...that freckles aren't pretty. I learned that drama is a part of life, that boobs are important and that purity rings are 'rare'.

I can remember that with each passing year I got more insecure. The innocence of childhood faded away as I tried my hardest to 'be cool'. By the time I reached high school I can remember days filled with so much anxiety that I would miss the morning bus. Mom was always there trying her hardest to cultivate confidence. She would pray over me as I frantically tried my hardest to get myself out the door.

At times my heart breaks for the young girl that I was. I cringe at memories where I allowed anxiety and fear get the best of me.

If only I'd known then, what I know now. And if only I knew now what I'm going to know in ten years, twenty years and beyond.

As I approach 27 years old, I've found that there is something entirely and thoroughly beautiful about my flaws. Somewhere along the line I've realized that we all have a story; a suitcase of insecurities, fears, apprehensions, misconstrued beliefs about ourselves and this life we live. And yet somewhere along the line I have also learned that I have plenty to offer. That I have a love worth giving.

Though insecurities will always exist and I will probably always battle anxiety--I am happy with who I am today.

I'm happy that I choose forgiveness, love and hope. I'm happy that I choose happy.

Soon I will be a mama myself. Soon I'll have the chance to teach my children that this life is often ugly, and people will be mean and some days will be sad.... But I'll also have the chance to teach love, and confidence and a hope in something far greater than anything offered here on earth.

I'm thankful for that little girl that I was, because she became the lady that I am today. And that's something I'm okay with.