Matt and I recently got on the topic of sinning. We talked about very black and white sins, and then the ‘fuzzy’ sins and even the sins that spare feelings. But as the conversation went on Matt pointed something out to me... something that I needed to hear, but wish I didn’t.
I think we often get caught up on the blatant sins…lying, stealing, killing, adultery and so on. We think that if we are not doing those things, we are doing well. Obviously, I know I sin in other ways, ways that don’t draw as much social and legal attention. However my less obvious sins are still terribly hurtful to God, others and myself.
If you know me somewhat well, you will have discovered that I often look forward to the future. This is a great thing… to see hope in the distance--to find joy in a future event. I often celebrate the future by having countdowns to specific ‘happenings’, or I verbally say things to Matt such as “As long as I can get through February, everything will be great.” But I came to find out that the things (timelines, countdowns) that make me feel better, actually hurt Matt. Wishing away time for something that only has the "possibility" of being better is wasting today--the here and now. What can we do today to make our life count, what can we do right in this moment to glorify God? Oh man... I have been sinning. Why do I find it so hard to enjoy today, when it's just a normal ordinary day? Not every day will be sunny, or warm or happy or full of friends. And not every day gives me worldly comfort and peace, but every day does have the possibility to be filled with God’s peace for me.
This leads me back to the conversation Matt and I were having about sin. He mentioned (nicely and gently) that I spend a lot of my time sinning by lusting. Yes, my husband told me I was lusting. I was interested to hear where he was going with this…
Matt explained that my constant desire, fascination and obsession with what we don’t have now is sinning. I often talk about wanting a real job, a house, another honeymoon, a child… the list could go on and on. Matt hears the brunt of these desires from me and has politely suggested that ideas that were once categorized as goals for the future have become obsessions of the present. I constantly think about what I want and what I need to make me happy. And for some reason it always goes back to what I don’t have and what it seems everyone else does have. It’s probably my fault for watching House Hunters, A Baby Story, using Pinterest and watching peoples accomplishments flash across Facebook. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for my friends and even for the people I don’t know trying to find their first home on House Hunters. It’s just I wish I was at that point in life too. I wish I was searching for a home with Matt, or seeing an income from a ‘real’ job. I am lusting. I’m lusting for things that will destroy me if I continue to obsess and compare.
So I thought all my dreaming and goal setting was normal and healthy, until my loving husband mentioned that he truly thought I/we maybe sinning. A new perspective sometimes is the best gift. Though I often do wish we were settling into our more routine life, I can’t forget to credit this part of our life for what it is. It’s an adventure, it’s full of lessons and it’s full of loving one another desperately because we are all we’ve got here. This too was a God intended chapter of our crazy life together, and I sadly have been wishing it away, always wanting what tomorrow holds.
"As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy." 1 Timothy 6:17