March 29, 2012

The Search

I have talked about "desiring" things of the future. I have mentioned how driven I am by the potential of what the future holds. I sometimes forget to live today because I'm always so focused on a future event, chapter or season of my life.  


Often times I build these "landmarks" up to be something that can never be fully lived up to. So why do I do that time and time again? Why don't I just get discouraged and admit that most things are not as magical and sparkly as I anticipated? I suppose I have high levels of hope. Hope is my favorite characteristic of myself.

But I do wonder why I can't just let the "here and now" be "enough"? 


I don't have a lot of guts. I don't have a ton of confidence. I'm not a "I'm a woman hear me roar!" type of girl.  I'm mostly a chica that seeks to love. I seek to please, bring joy and find joy. So when it comes to adventure I'm hesitant. But if you present it to me as an experience that's a part of the bigger journey, I'm most likely on board for it.

This is how and why I believe I'm always searching. I've obtained the "here" and "now" but I know there is more adventure in front of me... so I crave it and I want it now. If you have not experienced this yourself then I will tell you that it is exhausting. Being content and happy with where we are now is so important. I'm working on it.


In looking through old writings of mine I see that this desire for the next "event on the calendar" has always been a part of who I am. 


I call it the search. My hope is that my search leaves me with amazing experiences, memories and a life that lands me in front of Christ telling me I have done well.

We have these purposes in life
Where we are all actively searching
And once that search seems to be
Complete, we move onto the next.
A search takes time, energy, questions.
A search takes loyalty and patience,
Trust and commitment…
And the only thing that keeps the
Search going is our wonder.
What will it finally be like... to own a home?
Have children? Have silly possessions we crave?
But when does the search end?
We are creatures who lack comfort.
Even in our dying days…
We are searching.
What is there to come...
Yet one completed search followed by another.

Lately it's been a slow motion high speed search.
[it makes complete sense]
One thing comes, an event of some sort,
(graduation, a wedding, moving)
And I cruise through.
I feel it and I experience it, but before I know it…
It's gone.
And when the time comes to say goodbye,
I say it,
But I don't really mean it.
Because it can't really be a goodbye….
And as quickly as it seems it all happened,
It's then in the past.
And the past can look pretty, but it doesn't let you truly feel,
It's just there, offering memories and hopefully some laughs.
And then… we are on to our next search…

The search seems so unsettling, so demanding, never adequate.
The search is so tiring and leaves you frustrated because
What was expected is not what we got.
But every new search, no matter how hard the previous was,
Is refreshing and hopeful, yes [oddly] hopeful.
We quickly forget the troubles of the last and we then want the next.
we are resilient.
And the next adventure is always there, waiting… for our endurance.
So what is it with this search?

Maybe the search really is our faith.
These tiny worldly searches are really just steps within the larger search.
the search that defines us.
We are told that this ground we walk on and these relationships we have
Are temporary.
Certainly good and meaningful, yet temporary.
And our deepest being, the souls of our hearts,
Only understood by our Creator knows.
Knows that this here is not "it", we must keep searching.
And the search keeps us going…
I'd like to believe that my search will land me at the entrance
Of eternal glory,
Of eternal everlasting love.
If all of our searches were really just our hearts desire to seek more
of what God has to offer, then I pray for the day
That our search is complete.. and..
Comfort has been found.
I seek the search that places me at the shoulder of Christ.
May all of our searches lead us to our next adventure,
Our adventure filled with hope for more
And a desire for something not found in the presence of this
Temporary house.
So go on.. and search.

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