Lovely, I know. But this may just turn into word vomit. I'm not entirely sure what I have to say--but its been rollin' around the ol' brain for a while and I just need to try to write it out.
There is a chance that this post may turn out to be one that I will look back on someday and wonder why I shared it. But ya' know... that is what blogging is all about--being vulnerable, honest and a bit daring too.
Over the past 10 months or so I have really thought a lot about what I'm going to share. I have really been out of my comfort zone. We moved to a place I was not crazy about, I was living as a stay at home wife for a time being and I was just not finding my 'groove' in this new adventure of our marriage.
But what I did hold true to was my passion about people, life and love (I know, bring on the fairy dust and rainbows). I really loveee people and I really love believing in others. I find it easy to be a cheerleader for others and yet struggle so hard believing in myself. But that is why I embrace my love of others--I think I am fairly good at (unlike so many others things), so I run with it.
And this may all be a part of my insecurities I struggle with, but because of my beliefs, my faith, my love for others I think I am often viewed as naive.
I've kinda always been the girl a little to scared to rebel, a little too straight laced to do wrong and a little too 'stary eyed' to believe something or someone is not innately good.
And because of this I think my thoughts and ideas are really easily dismissed. Again, this could be my insecurities, but I often feel like people will 'hear me out' or at least pretend to 'hear me out', but in their brain they are saying "Poor Katie, she really just doesn't know better, does she?". Or "Katie is quite sweet but she is too conservative or too Christian to hold valuable thought or opinion".
I constantly feel like my faith immediately puts up walls and people shut down before they even know me. Or maybe they assume they know me based off my faith with out ever really taking the time to ask who I am or what I believe in.
I am a people lover above all. Never would I want others to feel put off by me. Jesus loved them all. And that's what I strive to do... love. Sure it would be great to share Jesus with them, but really for me-- I just want people to see me as a 'safe' person. A person you can be honest with and never feel judged.
I do have some strong opinions on things, don't get me wrong. But if I'm hurting people in the process of being passionate... then I have failed. Not long ago I wrote a post about the high risk drinking problem at Ohio University... I know I hurt people in my rant and honestly, I feel bad about it. I'm not sure I put my best foot forward...
I let passion and sadness and frustration speak for me. I don't regret what I wrote but I do admit that growth has come from publicly producing such a passionate post.
And now back to my feelings of being 'dismissed so easily' (remember this is all over the place, hence the word vomit)... Am I just misunderstood? I suppose we all feel that way at some point or another. Is it because I choose the straight and narrow that my opinion holds no ground?
Am I looking way into this? Yes... most likely.
I guess I choose to share this because I just don't want to be easily dismissed. I don't want people to categorized my thoughts and passions as being ignorant just because they are not always the majority/mainstream belief. I suppose I feel like I still have something to offer.
And even more importantly to me is that others see me as a strong lady, but a lady who will always love first and wants nothing more than to share a conversation. I don't want to be misunderstood and I really don't want you to be either.
And in a final splattering of words: anyone see the movie The Vow? The male lead talks about our personal life being the sum of our experiences and memories. This stuck out to me like crazy because it is insanely true. I am who I am today because of my past. I am the good, I am the bad, I am the sad and I am the 'adventure'. I am who I am because of my incredibly fortunate opportunity to attend college, travel to Israel, live for a semester in the ghetto and as a minority; I am who I am because of my incredible childhood, for leading a ministry program in Acadia National Park, because of my parents, because of my faith...
I am valuable, my beliefs are valid... and if nothing else supports my opinion than the mere fact of my experiences... then that will just have to be enough.
Please don't mentally pat me on my back and dismiss me because you just think I'm naive--I come from amazing adventures and beliefs that give me all the foundation I need to confidently believe what I do.
And remember... when it gets down to it, I really care a lot more about the person and whether they are being loved and heard than getting my point across. So maybe that makes this whole post null and void.
And now some pictures from my latest swim adventure with a girl who could care less about all the petty things I'm stressing about. She just loves me as me. Thank goodness for Ali.
Anyone else ever feel misunderstood for merely taking the 'straight and narrow' or for being a Christian?