Speaking of grad school: So I'm in week three or four? Hm? Yea, week four. Really? A month already? It's a blur. A good blur, but a blur. I'm tired. I'm like really tired. But a good tired.
I guess what I am getting at is that I'm overwhelmed, not quite at the "wow I'm about to break down" but definitely an 'overwhelmed' that leaves me feeling like I could/should always be doing something related to school (aka read) and I'm always feeling like I'm not giving school 'all I've got'. I show up to some classes not having read for the day, and then not knowing what we are talking about. But somewhere between my homework, reading, working my graduate assistantship (GA), being a wife.... I choose sleep over it all. I choose sleep.
And then I wake up feeling like I suck at school and being a wife.
Did you know that I have approximately 15 dress shirts of Matt's that need ironed? Maybe 20. And they have needed ironed for approximately four weeks. Matt has been wearing a lot of polo's lately. ugh.
So this grad school stuff... it's great, I love it, I feel worthy because school has always given me 'worth' for some strange reason. And I do love learning and I love my GA, but I just wish I was better at it all.
I've been out of school for almost five years, so I feel rusty. I am rusty. And I knew that this would be a challenge, I knew it was not going to be as easy for me as say, someone who just graduated from undergrad, I knew this. But ya know what? I have some incredibly smart people in my program, smart and passionate and apparently much better at time management than me. So I won't lie, I sit in class sometimes and wonder who set the bar so high and when did I become so incapable of reaching this bar?
I swore that going back to school a bit older, would help me. Sure, I knew it would take some time to get back in the routine, but I honestly thought that things would just 'come' to me more easily. I've had some real world experience, I've had some of my own life events that have made me a bit brighter and stronger, and yet for whatever reason these 'kids' around me (they aren't really kids, but some are about 5 years younger than me) are flying by me in terms of understanding the material, processing it and producing great work.
Ouch. All those feelings of comparing or being anxious about my performance related to others have come back. And it's come back strong.
In my excitement of starting school and a professional (GA) within student affairs, I forgot that my academic anxiety would be back. Along with classroom anxiety. Ya know when you are terrified you won't know what to say when the prof. calls on you?
So that's where I'm at. Just needed to tell the truth.
This past week we had a visitor from our alum. Dan! He is pretty much the reason we are in a Student Affairs program, we pretty much love him to death and thoroughly enjoyed our visit with him!
And look at the awesome cup he brought me! I was smiling all day knowing he was on campus and brought us a gift. :)
Now off to enjoy an event put on by my office on campus and then a visit with some old friends this weekend. Sounds perfect to me!