Cravings

Life is full of cravings.

Wants--desires.

And if you are anything like me... I try pretty hard to curve the craving by either fulfilling my want or refocusing my thoughts {but oh so much easier to just give in}.

But giving in is usually not the best action.

I often crave chocolate, and it's a good thing I don't fulfill my craving every time I have a sweet tooth--bad news bears.

I also crave tangible unnecessary things. I want a lens for my SLR more than anything right now. But that 'want' of mine would cost us at least 200 some bucks. That would be such a foolishly filled craving.

Our cravings can often hurt us if they are not thought about with the intentions of what really is best for us. Too much chocolate and fried food it just not good for me. A barely there bank account does not lend its self to unnecessary camera lenses.

But these desires we have... they can start as a flicker and burn into a bright full on fiery flame. A flame so ignited that it's hard to focus on much else.

I'm a dreamer at heart. I love the future--the possibilities. The hope of new and sunny days ahead. But my flicker for the future...often turns into an inferno raging for the things I don't currently possess.

I have spent quite a bit of time talking about my unrealistic and hurtful approach to the future here on this blog before (here and here). It's such a running theme for me, always circling back to my desires of what I don't currently have.

I would even go as far as saying that this is my biggest characteristic flaw. Always dreaming, desiring and craving what is not rightfully mine.

And no... this post is not really about chocolate or fried food or even the dreamy 50mm lens that I want--

it's about my desire to have a baby. To start a family. To look into a creation that was designed perfectly by God with features of Matt and I. I crave care-giving. I crave loving in a way I have never experienced before. I look forward to carrying a baby in my belly... and to feel the first flutters of my child moving.

I want a baby.

But guess what? It's really obvious that now is not the time. It's just not. And I can't move us to another point in our life to make it the right time.

-Matt is in grad school-I'm starting grad school next year-I'm on medication that needs to be tweaked or even removed before I can become pregnant-We are poor-We are too far from family-We live in a place that will not provide the medical attention I would want-

And lastly, surely most importantly, God has not made it known that now is the time. I want nothing more than God's desires for my life...and now is just not right.

But the flame is flickering. And my motherly desires are kicking in.

Anyone else have deep desires of the heart? Cravings that are a little more serious than indulging in too much chocolate?

I think Matt and I will make a cute baby someday... :) 

Matt and his mama

My brother looks thrilled to be in a picture with me.